Instead I parked in the free lot that is approximately 87 miles away in the far corner of the property and hoofed my fat ass all the way across the massive expanse of asphalt. Then I proceeded to navigate my way through another good mile of hotel bullshit. There are no straight shots in this place. Everything is scenic and meandering and confusing as fuck. I've been going here relatively often since high school, and I still get lost. It is a directional nightmare.
I get there and start making my way through the various themed sections of this monstrosity. The Boss calls. Says he's arriving in a few and that I should "Find the bar nearest to the conference room. That's where I will be." Of course he will. I would expect no less.
Unfortunately, there is a huge conference of some sort there and all the restaurants and bars are closed off for Private Events. After asking two separate employees where the closest bar is, I finally found him. And yes, that sounds as comical as it seems.
Staff: I'm sorry ma'am, this section is Reserved.
QoE: Yeah, okay. I just need to know where the closest bar is to meeting room
Staff: *look that is questioning yet also radiates disapproval*
QoE: I have a meeting at 6. The Boss said to find the closest bar to the room and that's where he'd be.
Staff: Oh. I see. (how can a hospitality employee manage to radiate such disdain? it's a gift, apparently) Go through the double doors and continue through the large lobby with the blue carpet. When you get to the lobby with the gold carpet, you will see the Jack Daniels logo of the bar.
* Because, yes, this place is that massive that they must give directions to the sections by way of the carpeting color. ridiculous *
I get to the bar. It too is reserved. Contemptuous staff guarding the entrance. I saunter on over.
QoE: Hi. So, where is the nearest bar that ISN'T reserved?
Staff: *raised eyebrow*
QoE: Find the nearest bar, find The Boss
Staff: * superior lip curl * I do not think there are any bars not reserved this evening.
QoE: *glancing up staircase and pointing* Oh, never mind, there he is.
We are off to a whiz bang start. We loiter around for a few, waiting for time to go into this meeting. Here are my notes from the evening:
Meeting Notes:
This feels like we are about to watch a pitch for a
timeshare on the beach.
Yep. Oh joy.
There’s an open forum.
This could be bad if The Boss decides to chime in.
Very bad jokes. No
one is laughing. Tough crowd, he
says. No, we just think you jokes suck.
Highlight so far:
Free pen. And notepad. Whee!
Okay then. One thing to pay
attention to. Except we use a similar
program and I think ours is better. But
still, make a note to do some further comparison of the two.
Blah blah blah
Uh-oh. The Boss just
sat up and started paying attention. 30 minutes to food – Priorities.
Sweet Jesus this shit is boring.
Oh, late arrivals coming in.
Bastards. They missed thirty
minutes of this crap. Curse my punctual
nature.
This guy keeps talking about how the product is “high level”. Yeah.
We so do not function at this high level.
And he keeps referencing juggling spreadsheets … I must be
doing something wrong cause I don’t juggle spreadsheets. But I do like a nice spreadsheet from time to
time. It brings a false sense of order
and calm to the chaos.
However, feel comatose from the sales pitch.
This provided meal better not be some brown bag sandwich
bullshit. Fat girl wants good food for
enduring this fuckery.
One third of the women here are wearing some form of leopard
print. I feel very beige.
It’s cold. My fingers
are numb.
The Boss just asked if I wanted to bail at the dinner break
and go get bar food. Duh. Of course I do. But, my sense of responsibility prevents
that. I have Catholic guilt and I am not
even Catholic. He IS Catholic and has no
conscious about ditching. Actually, just no conscious. Interesting.
The couple in front of us to the left are snuggled up. Either they are hypothermic or this is the
worst date EVER.
Onboarding program = no job for me. That sucks. Yes, by all means, recommend a
program that effectively makes my job obsolete.
Hope The Boss isn’t paying attention … shit.
Hold up note pad for him to read that says, “This eliminates
my job. Onboarding is a NO.”
The Boss shows me his notepad. The only thing written says, “Onboarding
looks like a viable option.”
The Boss is an ass. He finds it hilarious that he’s brought
me to a seminar that is demonstrating software programs that essentially
eliminate my job. Oh, the irony.
The food is surprisingly tasty for hotel buffet food. I made
it through the line without a disaster. Well, except for dumping my dessert
helping directly onto the middle of the dessert table. That was pretty awesome. I’m sure no one will notice the big whipped
cream blob on the crisp white linen tablecloth.
Ok. Flaky puff pastry is NOT my friend. I’m like a toddler over here, making table
art with my food.
You know what? I love fresh berries. But, if you are presenting something that
looks like Tiramisu, it should involve chocolate and espresso, NOT berries. Angry.
Still eating it. Dammit, it’s good.
The Boss has been gone for quite a while to get a
drink. He left his phone and keys, so he
has to come back. Though I really wouldn’t
put it past him to try to escape and hide out somewhere.
Now it’s hot in here.
Asked The Boss if I could put this three hours on my time
sheet. He laughed. A lot.
I am guessing that’s a no. I'm totally adding it to my time sheet anyway.
Completely distracted by the bald guy in front. How did I miss that before? The bald spot is narrow and cylindrical
shaped. It’s like a condom shape down
the middle of his head. That’s freakish.
More crap I don’t care about. Ignoring it to stare at weird bald spot.
Want to snap pic of bald guy. Can’t without the presenters sitting behind
me knowing what I am doing. I do have a
small amount of professional decorum. Conflicted.
Just completely zoned out and started thinking about new
fall TV shows. I have no idea what that
last bit was about. Not even sorry.
The guy directly in front of us has his arm across the back
of the guy next to him’s chair.
Awkward. Maybe they are on a
shitty date too. Ha. I am funny.
The new iPhone, in a case, is larger than a Pop Tart. That’s weird.
Brain numb.
8:30. Finally. Home
stretch.
Bald spot is very shiny. It’s mesmerizing.
The current presenter, when viewed from a certain angle, and
with eyes slightly squinted, slightly resembles David Boreanaz. Spent almost his entire presentation thinking
about Buffy & Angel. Have no idea what he talked about.
Parting gifts. That’s
nice. Bluetooth speaker. Multi cord charger thingy. Can we say re-gift? Yes. Yes, we can.
Synopsis:
Free pen and parting goodies
Decent food, despite the Tiramisu deception. That was bullshit.
New product
offering that makes employing me totally unnecessary
So, meeting over. Now it's 9 PM and time to make our way out. The Boss declares that he has a "free night out" so he's hitting a bar. I decline. I ask if he's going to drive me to the Outer Rim so I don't have to walk, alone, at night, all the way across 100 miles of asphalt to my vehicle. He laughs and tells me I am on my own. Then he piles his folders and parting girts into my arms and tells me to take his stuff too. He REALLY is an ass.
I follow a herd of conference attendees as they seem to know a shortcut. Alas, it IS a shortcut. But, I end up in a different area of the section where I entered and go out a different door than what I came in through. Shit. I have no idea where I am.
(Interesting fact. If I have a map, I can figure shit out. Left on my own, I have pretty much zero capability of visualizing where I am and where I need to be, thus rendering me pretty much useless for navigational purposes. Like now.)
I start walking. Through a large parking lot. I get a good quarter of the way around the perimeter of the hotel. Where the fuck am I? This does not look right at all. Dammit. Spot valet guys. Ask them where lot I need is. Explain that I came out a different door than I went into and have no fucking clue where I am, or which direction I need to be going in.
They look at me like they think I am probably drunk, possibly mentally unstable. Tell me I am going in the wrong direction. Of course I am. Turn around and head back the way I came. Keep going about halfway around the hotel in the proper direction. Again. Alone. In the dark. Juggling an armload of folders and small boxes of parting gifts. Finally find lot and make it to vehicle. Curse The Boss all the way to pick up The Minion from The Mother of All Evil.
It's almost 10 AM. Guess who hasn't called or come in yet. Bastard. I hope he is hung over and miserable.
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