Today was The Minion’s second half-day of kindergarten.
Any time you have to pay for anything, the check has to be
put into an envelope that is labeled with their name, teacher, and what it’s
for. And that has to be given to the
teacher. Since I had two checks that
needed to make it to the teacher, I walked in and waited with him.
Tuesday was his first day.
We walked in, found our way into the cafeteria, and waited in the
designated area. He was nervous, a
little clingy. The kindergarten
assistant came and got them all lined up along the wall to be escorted to the
classrooms. We walked down the hall, he
was holding my hand. Into the
classroom. He was hesitant, and looking
around with big eyes, taking it all in.
He gave me a hug and let me go without any hesitation, and that made it
easier for me to leave, knowing he was not scared or upset.
Cut to today. We are
waiting in the cafeteria. He sits down
and immediately starts talking to the little boy across from him. They are talking spaceships and boy stuff,
with lots of “cool!” and “awesome!” and laughter. It was so damn adorable I almost couldn’t
stand it. The assistant came out and
said it was time to look up. And it happened.
He looked up at me and said, “Bye Mama”. I was dismissed.
I told him that I was going with him to make
sure the money got to the teacher. He
walked to the line without me. No hand
holding today. I stood across the
hallway against the other wall. We
headed to the classroom. He walked
beside me, but again, there was no little hand in mine. We got to the doorway. The teacher said good morning to him and he
smiled. I handed her the checks. He hugged me and trotted into the classroom
with a “Bye Mama” over his shoulder.
And that was it. I
didn’t really cry on Tuesday. But I
cried today. Hell, I am about to cry
now, just typing it. And yet, I am not
entirely sure what I am crying about … what exactly the emotion is that I feel.
I am proud. Oh so
proud. This is what I have taught him,
how I was raising him to be.
Independent. Confident. Curious and willing to explore new things on
his own. Knowing that Mama and Daddy
always have his back, but it’s okay to go on his own.
But my heart did break a little bit. Not that I wanted him to cry and cling to me.
Because I don’t want that at all. But it
was just a little bittersweet, realizing he’s growing up and not needing me
quite so much. In public at least. At
home he’s still on my like a spider monkey. But when we are out in public, more
and more often he walks next to me, ahead of me. And I feel that little hand take mine less
and less. And every time I think about that, it does make me cry.
I am so ready for him to be in school. For him to go on sleepovers and be more
independent. For him to start having his
own little life. And therefore allowing
me to have a little bit more of one myself.
And yet … I am so NOT ready.
Not at all. Not for him to be
growing up and going off on his own. To
need me less and his friends more. It’s
a precarious balance, and I know it’s not going away any time soon. Wanting him
to be my baby, and wanting him to grow up into the strong, smart, awesome man I
know he will be.
Letting him bounce off into the classroom when what I really
want to do is grab him and hold him tight and smother him in kisses. Knowing he would absolutely die of embarrassment
if I did that in front of his teacher.
Wanting to do it anyway.
I don’t know girls, or how things are different – or the
same – with them. I only know the boy stuff. And this mother-son relationship stuff is
just … intense. I don’t know if I could
survive a teenage girl. I might not
survive this teenage boy. I can’t even
THINK about teenage Minion right now.
Kindergarten Minion is just about more than my heart can take.
I never knew I could be devastated and elated at the same
damn time. Heartbroken and full of pride. Damn kid. But I do know this. I can’t
wait to see what he grows into this year.
This new grown up boy. And even
though it hurts my heart a little, I also know that he will still crawl into my
lap for a snuggle while we watch TV, and still want me to cuddle him as he goes
to sleep. I’ll take it.
