Other moms know this, but they probably won't admit it.

Two things I have learned that no other mother has ever admitted to me.  I'm revealing ugly truths here people.  You're welcome.

Kids are annoying.

Before you have kids, you may not like them much.  They are loud and obnoxious and disruptive and just generally a buzz kill.  Other people’s kids are the worst.  Strange random kids in public, even more terrible than the wretched kids you know.  And then you have kids of your own.

Every mother (well, most mothers) are instantly in love with their kid.  That child is the most gorgeous, smartest, funniest, most adorable, most special kid EVER.  And that’s as it should be.  You may still find other kids annoying, but not your sweet, precious angel.  Oh no. That little nugget of joy could never, EVER, do anything wrong.

Lies.  Terrible, terrible lies that you tell yourself.

But here’s the thing.  You will feel all those delightful feelings of wonder.  You will think your child is the most amazing, awesome, totally fantastic thing to ever grace this earth.  And in that very same breath, you will also think that your child must have been spawned from demon seed because Oh My God, does he/she EVER stop/shut up/sit down/sleep?!?!?!  It happens.

Truth is, as wonderful as they are, kids are small mucous smeared, peanut butter coated, Cheeto dust sprinkled nightmares, out to destroy your sanity one moment at a time.  And you will actually, for the most part, be okay with that. 

They will make you late.  They will make you cancel plans at the last minute.  They will make you leave a party/restaurant/church (etc) early.  They will make you doubt your sanity in the grocery store.  And they will test the very limits of your patience at the playground. 

And just when you think you can’t take hearing your name another time that day without having a psychotic break, when you can’t possibly clean up another mess without sobbing in a heap on the floor, when there is just no conceivable way you can answer that same question AGAIN without putting your fist through a wall … that annoying little dirt covered creature will run up and hug you, tightly, and whisper that they love you, and all will be right with the world.

You will never again use the bathroom in private.

At first, you will put the tiny baby in the crib, and you will bring the monitor into the bathroom, and you will shower quickly as you listen for the slightest rustle or sigh on that speaker.  Then, you will get more comfortable.  You will put the baby in the crib or playpen and go take a normal shower, or poop in peace.  Then, they gain mobility.  Still, you can trap them in the playpen or crib long enough to run to the bathroom, and shower while they nap. 

But by now, vocal abilities have kicked in.  So, even though you are technically alone in the bathroom, you will still hear plaintive cries for your immediate attention.  Which will stress you out.  Because what if the baby is sick or hurt or neeeeeds you right that second.  You will adjust.  And still, there is some semblance of privacy.

By age 4, it is a lost cause.  You will settle the child in front of the TV, with the current most favorite cartoon playing to keep them occupied.  You will quietly, slowly, stealthily tiptoe away toward the bathroom.  As soon as you are out of their line of sight, you will sprint to the toilet.  You will sit down and commence with your business.

And there it is.  The Child.  There.  In the bathroom.  With toys.  Or a book.  They will not leave.  You will beg, bargain, cry, demand, yell.  But no.  They are steadfast.  They will build legos or color, you will read their favorite book.  If you are lucky, you will be able to distract them long enough, or send them on an important errand for a book/toy long enough to actually wipe your ass without an audience.  Other times, not so much.

At first you will be horrified.  Eventually, you will just accept it and go with it.  And as they get even older, you will learn to master this usage of time.  Because the child will run in, ask you what you are doing, and run out.

They will be back.  Running back and forth.  Telling you plot points of the cartoon.  Revealing random facts about what’s happening elsewhere in the house.  Demanding that you hurry so you can fulfill some need they have.  You will learn to gauge how much time you have between interruptions.  You will check your email, maybe play a level of Candy Crush or whatever the current thing is.  You will close your eyes, rest your elbows on your knees, your chin in your hand, and just take a few calming breaths.  It’s all you are probably going to get.

The lack of privacy will also extend to the shower because there is always something super important that they have to tell you.  Once those tiny hands learn the art of doorknobs, it’s all over with.  Unless you are willing to actually lock the bathroom door.  Personally, I just can’t do it.  I’d rather have him barging in and out twenty times than have that locked barrier between us.  At some point, I know he will get better at respecting boundaries, and actually heed my pleadings of “please, for once let Mama poop in peace”.  But for now, my bathroom time is never private.  And I really try to be okay with that.  Most days I almost succeed.

Conversely, once the child starts to potty train, they will want you to give them their privacy and be nowhere near the bathroom door.  The Minion wants me to sit on the bed and wait until he calls out that he’s finished.  He will randomly call out my name or a question, just to verify that I am still there, where he has told me to stay.  Then he expects me to inspect his wiping capabilities, tidy up any messes, and help him figure out how the heck to get his pants back from being wrong side out.

My child is a naked pooper.

He must strip completely naked in order to go.  I have no idea where it comes from, but he has a deep rooted fear of pooping on his clothing.  So, it all comes off.  Fine at home.  Acceptable at grandma’s.  NOT COOL at Walmart.  He’s also a leisurely pooper, content to sit there for a good 20 minutes if I let him, reading books and just generally being weird about it.  He gives me a running commentary on how the poop is progressing, how many he’s done, how many he has left.  And, if left totally to his own devices, he will manage to use about half a roll of toilet paper and flush about 6 times.  He keeps me on my toes.

graduation, questionable antics with goats, and way too much crap in my house ...

Big development in the land of Eville.  We have totally switched from cow milk to almond milk.  It’s a shocking revelation, trust me.  POF has single-handedly consumed 4-5 gallons of milk, on his own, per week for years.    Which is …. Ridiculous.  So, yay us for making the switch.

What else is new?  Everything and nothing.

The Minion continues to amaze and confound at every turn with his hilarious comments.  Kindergarten registration is just a week away, and preschool graduation in a month.  Sometimes I look at him, and he looks so big and so grown up, and it just blows my mind that he’s 5 already.

Just the other night, he and POF were doing math together, and it was the cutest thing ever.  He loves numbers, like his daddy, so they can be math nerds together and leave me out of it.  Come see me when you have a paper to write, kid.  Math problems?  Go see your father.

I'm on the fence about this whole preschool graduation thing.  I mean, on the one hand ... tiny caps and gowns, seriously adorable.  But, really?  Don't I have to deal with kindergarten graduation next year?  Okay.  Maybe I am totally cool with the preschool graduation.  It's a different facility, different kids, different teachers.  Then it's off to the big school, doing the big kid, official school thing.  So, what the heck do we need a kindergarten graduation for?  Same school, same everything.  

What's the big deal?  I mean, why not a 2nd grade graduation?  Do they have a 4th grade graduation before going to middle school in 5th?  I don't think they do.  And they shouldn't.  It's school.  It's REQUIRED to succeed in life, even a tiny bit.  There should be no reason for graduation until you finish it and go to college. The reward is getting to go to the next grade with your friends and not stay behind for another year of life skills you half-assed the first time. 

What's the resale value on a pre-school cap and gown?  Chances are, it will end up sealed in a box, in the attic, next to my high school and college caps and gowns.  I have had approximately ZERO uses for them.  In fact, I have never opened the boxes.  They will stay there, sealed for future generations, until I die and The Minion has to go through all my useless crap ... then he can figure out what the hell to do with it.  Hakuna Matata and all that jazz.

We had our first zoo visit of the season recently, and I have decided that 5 is a good age to attempt the petting zoo thing.  Thus far, it’s been avoided.  Partly because I don’t really like to be assaulted by pushy goats.  And partly because of things like this:

The last time I let The Minion into a petting zoo type scenario, he kissed a goat.  Super cute.  But, ewwwww, goat lips. 

We have way too much stuff, and not enough room.  It’s getting overwhelming.  My dining room isn’t even a room for dining.  It’s a room full of crap.  It’s where all the crap I don’t have a place for gets tossed.  We are one cardboard box away from an episode of Hoarders up in this place.  So … the mission is to clean shit out.

The Minion has other ideas.  He LOVES every toy he’s ever been given.  He plays with them ALL (no, no he doesn’t), and he WANTS to keep every single one.  FOREVER.  Sigh.

Just to clarify - this is a screen shot from Two Broke Girls.  It's not NEARLY this bad ... but it could be.  I need to get my shit under control.

The worst part is, I have the same problem.  Doesn’t matter if I hate it, or if it no longer fits … if it has a significant memory attached (or if, God help me, it was a gift), I just have trouble letting it go.  I feel guilty, getting rid of something that someone gave to me.  Like they will think I don’t like them if I get rid of it.  Which is CRAZY.  So … behavior to work on … getting rid of shit you don’t need, because your house is a disaster area, and the world will not stop turning when you throw stuff out.  I get uneasy just thinking about it.

I need a dumpster, a week off, and the ability to emotionally distance myself from ‘stuff’.  The stuff isn’t needed, if anything it’s making life miserable.  So, yeah.  That stuff.  Fingers crossed I can wrestle my little inner demons and work some shit out so I can have a normal house that you can walk through in the dark without fear of injury.

The busy season is kicking in at work.  That means less time for stuff like this, and more time for actual work.  I love being busy - time passes quicker.  And I love the chaos of phones ringing and people yelling, and the pressure of "omg, gotta get this done FAST, and there are ten more just like it waitng".  But, it leaves less time for musings and postings.  I am determined to get some good stories out of it to share.

Until next time, may the Easter Pig bring you a bountiful cornucopia of chocolate delights.

The one where I get all preachy about kids and shots

Recently, a friend of mine posted an article about the outbreaks of measles in California and how it could all be prevented by simply vaccinating your child.  She’s a nurse, so she is definitely pro-vaccination.  As am I.  I have tried to see the logic and reasoning behind the anti-vaccination groups, and I just can’t wrap my head around it.

And … seeing as how I am one of those pesky liberals, I am also pro-choice.  Meaning, it doesn’t matter what my personal feelings and opinions and beliefs are about abortion and birth control and all that stuff.  It should be up to each individual woman, at each individual point in her life, to determine what is best for her at that moment.  I don’t know her, her life, her problems.  Therefore, it’s not my place to tell her what she should and should not be able to do when it comes to her body.

And so, here we are.  With this vaccine post.  Someone commented that she wished that they had an “ethical” vaccine for MMR.  That if they did, she would use it.  But since a portion of that vaccine was developed using embryonic cells from aborted babies, she would not use it. 

Let me tell ya … that has been sitting in my brain for days now, just tumbling around.  I have thought about it.  A lot.  And my brain says … That is just about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.  Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong.  I get that she is pro-life.  And that is totally okay.  That’s her belief, her choice.  What bothers me is that she is so all consumed by this stance that she can’t see beyond it.

First, all that I have been able to find about it says that the pregnancy was willingly terminated.  Meaning that the mother chose to abort.  Ok.  Now, some may think that is wrong, that she is a murderer, whatever.  But this was in the early 1960s.  Things were a lot different then.  We don’t know the story.  Maybe the baby had some sort of severe deformity or illness that would have led to its death shortly after birth.  Maybe the mother felt that it would be easier to end the pregnancy early than to carry to term, deliver, and then have the baby die in her arms.  Maybe she was just a flaky hippie chick who didn’t want a kid.  Who knows.  And that’s the point.  You can’t know, and maybe there was a valid medical reason to terminate.  Things were a lot different then, medical advances weren’t what they are today. 

Also, those same cells have been used, reproduced and regenerated in the lab, all of this time.  The same cells.  Aborted babies aren’t being taken every week to make a new batch of vaccine.  The very same cells from the early 1960’s are still used today. 

Now, assuming that you still feel that aborting, under ANY circumstance, is wrong, a sin, whatever … that leads us to this point.  Any bodily fluid or substance is considered a bio hazard.  Blood, urine, skin, fetus.  All of it.  So, after a surgery, or a birth, or an abortion, all that material is put into a bio hazard bag.  It is taken to a bio hazard disposal, and it is destroyed. 

Back when I was a candy striper, the hospital had an incinerator onsite, and they burned it all there, every day.  Some places probably send it to a landfill.  It happens.  Either way, this material is trash.  Burned or buried.  So, regardless of how you feel about the process, the fact is, the fetus is trash, and it is destroyed.

But … instead of destroying this one, this time, doctors used that fetus.  They took cells and they used those cells to create a vaccine.  They took a decision that is tragic and painful and devastating, and they turned it into something positive that has helped millions of people in the past 50 years.  So … ethical vaccine.  Really?

If you can’t see beyond your personal belief about abortion being wrong to the fact that something very good and very beneficial to the world came from that decision, then – to me – that’s narrow minded.

There was some comment about how God should never allow blah blah blah.  Well, fine.  But guess what?  Shitty, terrible stuff happens every day.  Kids starve to death.  Kids are killed by their parents.  Kids are shot in the street.  Kids are beaten.  IT HAPPENS.

It shouldn’t.  But it does.  And God doesn’t stop it.  For whatever reason.  Good exists, but so does evil.  It’s a balance.  Some people believe in total free will – we choose and create our own paths.  Some believe that the basic path is already mapped out, and our choices … a or b … along the way determine where we end up.  And some believe that everything, every single act and decision, is already predetermined before we are born.  That we are just living the life that has already been foreseen and set in motion.  We think we have choice, but we are really just acting out the play in the Grand Plan that has already been created.

Regardless of which is true, the fact is, bad things happen.  Every day.  Sometimes to really good people.  Sometimes to kids.  You can hate it.  You can protest it.  You can condemn it.  But it happens.

The fact is, this one time, some doctor took a terrible thing and turned it into a positive.  This child that was never born, never grew up, never got to get married, never got to have a job, never got to be a member of society … that child made the most significant contribution to society that it could possibly make.  The very cells of that child created something that has saved the lives of millions of other children.  I would say that is probably a far greater contribution than the child would have ever made had it lived.  That is pretty amazing.

Maybe, if people could see beyond their own prejudices, their own preconceptions, their own blind devotions, they might see things in a new light.

There are millions of animals that have been harmed testing medicines and cosmetics for human consumption.  That’s not ethical, but I bet you are wearing/eating/taking them without even thinking about that.  There are millions of tiny children around the world that work in horrible and dangerous conditions to make the clothing and toys in your home.  That’s not ethical either, but I bet you don’t think twice about that.

You don’t want to vaccinate your kid.  Fine, your choice.  But doing it because the vaccine isn’t “ethical”.  That’s wrapping your belief in a pretty little bow to make you feel self-righteous and smug and better about your decision.  It has nothing to do with the truth.  It has nothing to do with the health and well-being of your child. 

It’s okay to stand up for what you believe it.  It’s okay to voice your opinions.  And it’s okay to disagree with the opinion of others.  But always, ALWAYS, keep an open mind.  Be willing to see the forest beyond the trees.  Be willing to consider the big picture, to go outside of your comfort zone.  Be willing to consider other options, to weigh pros and cons.  Don’t just make sweeping judgments based on your moral convictions.  They aren’t always correct.  Or in your best interests.

Thoughts?