Today is Friday. And
it is … not going well. Can’t put my
finger on exactly why, but it’s just one of those days where I am borderline nervous
breakdown. Everything makes me either
want to HULK SMASH or sob hysterically.
Sometimes both.
Yes, money is a little tight right now. And that always makes me a little more
anxious and irritable. And I hate walking around with that low level of dread
in the pit of my stomach every hour of every day. But I can deal with that. Usually.
Apparently, not today.
I woke up when the alarm went off at 5 with a headache. Since the hubs had an appointment at 8:30, I
knew he wasn’t leaving at 6 for work, so I reset the alarm for 6 with the hopes
that I would wake up without a headache.
No such luck. In fact, not only
did I wake up with the headache still intact, but I woke up feeling irritable
and angry. Just Mega Bitch for no real
reason. And, that hour made me feel more
tired and threw my entire routine off.
So, instead of being out the door – late as always – by 8, I was washing
my hair at 8:10.
My hair is thin and fine.
I hate my hair. I covet thick
hair. I have prayed for thick hair. It just ain’t happening. I mean, if I could change one thing about
myself, it would be to have thick hair. And
that’s saying a lot considering I am overweight and not real happy with the way
I look in that department. Still. Hair.
Ugh. So, it knots up easily. I use a nice wooden brush and I condition and
I use detangler. Normally it’s all good.
But not today. Today that damn
brush got tangled in my hair three times.
And each time it was like some sort of intricate system of knots that
only a sailor could manage. By the third
time, I was so out of patience for gently untangling it, that I just jerked on
it till it came loose. There’s probably
a big chunk of hair missing on the side of my head, and I don’t even give a
shit. I am OVER it.
Then there’s the kid.
I love this kid. Love him more
than I ever thought possible. But some
days … some days he pushes all my buttons and puts me on the brink of
apocalyptic emotional upheaval. Like
today. He’s stubborn. Gets that from me. I know it.
I expect it. I usually handle it
pretty well. He’s also independent. Like me.
And I can usually take that too.
But some days … I get that he is flexing his little muscles of
independence and pushing boundaries. But
for the love of all that is holy, that kid better learn to do what I ask, the
FIRST time I ask it, or there’s gonna be bloodshed. Probably from my head as I rip my hair out.
We are so late.
Saying we are behind schedule at this point is like saying Death Valley
gets a bit warm in summer. So, I ask him
to please go brush his teeth.
Twice. He finally wanders in from
the living room and flops onto the bed.
I tell him we need to go, brush teeth and hair. Now.
And he lays there. I say, “Don’t
make me tell you again.” He rolls around a bit.
He pulls the blanket around himself.
He stretches. I am about to
seriously put a hole through the wall.
With MY MIND. So, I take a breath, I ask calmly again. He’s doing his stretches. He will go in a minute. I tell him he needs to go now. Finally, after he seems in no hurry to get
up, I get him by the hands, pull him up off the bed and point him toward the
bathroom. He starts whining about how he
was “about to go”. I swatted his butt
and said that was the problem. He should
have already been in there, and finished.
He is of course doing the fake cry thing, which always makes
me crazy, but today is like nails on a chalkboard to my already fraying
nerves. I hand him his toothbrush with
the toothpaste on it. And he refuses to
take it. Mumbles something. I HATE mumbling. So I tell him to speak clearly. He mumbles again. I ask again for clear words. He does it in baby talk. I repeat to speak properly. Baby talk gibberish.
Oh My God, I am about to have an out of body rage
experience. What the fuck is wrong with this
kid?! Why is he insisting on being so
damn difficult, when he KNOWS I am at the end of my patience and about to
snap? It’s like he does it on
purpose. In fact, I am 98% certain he
does do it on purpose, just to see if he can finally drive me nuts. The teenage years are going to be brutal.
Finally, I take the toothbrush and brush them for him. Which is what he wanted to begin with. I understood the baby talk, I just wanted him
to speak like a freaking 5 year old.
Geez.
So, I am frustrated and angry and just so over this damn day
already. I feel the tears start to
form. And dammit, that just pisses me
off more. I hate being an angry crier. I
am trying to ask him why he’s being so difficult when I realize he’s
giggling. I look down, and he’s mooning
me. I look up into the mirror and he’s
sticking his tongue out at me. Normally,
I would probably find it funny. But
considering I’ve been trying to get him to listen and follow instructions for
two simple tasks for about 10 minutes, and he’s fought me every step of the
way, I find NO humor in this. So I pop
his tail. Once. Not hard.
Just like I smacked his butt as I headed him toward the bathroom
before. Not a spanking. Just a swat to say Hey, focus and get your
shit together kid. Well, naturally, he
starts to wail like I have beaten him with a wire coat hanger. And I am trying to ask him why he’s being so
stubborn. He knows he has to brush. He knows we are running late. He knows he had to follow instructions or I
will lose my mind. And he is not giving
me any answers. None. He’s too busy making faces at himself in the
mirror.
I am trying to have a serious ‘what the hell is the deal
with your behavior’ this morning talk, and he’s making silly faces in the
mirror. WTF?!?! At that point, I did lose it. There was no stopping the tears. I felt like I was having a total parental
fail and something had to be seriously wrong with this kid to be more concerned
with making stupid faces at himself in the mirror than he was about getting his
butt popped. He was just howling like a
banshee about it 30 seconds ago … I was just at a loss. How can this even be normal behavior? Am I in fact raising some sort of
sociopath? Oh God, I do NOT have time to
go down that road today. Just don’t have
the mental fortitude to deal with whackadoo train of thought. So I shut it down. Moving on.
I manage to get him out the door. We get halfway to school when I realize that
I didn’t even brush my teeth.
Gross. Thank goodness I have a
toothbrush in my desk.
I drop him off. I
head to work. So late. So over it.
Still feeling overwhelmed and anxious and angry and fighting tears. I want to just say screw work, find someplace
quiet and peaceful somewhere – like in a boat in the middle of the lake – and
just sit. And that scares me because I
don’t do boats in lakes and there are snakes and how could I even for a second
think that would be peaceful? But that’s
what I want.
I am here. I am at work. I am working.
I am still angry. I still don’t
know why. I hope everyone just leaves me
the hell alone today. I don’t want to be
here. I don’t know where I want to
be. I know it involves quiet and nature
sounds and being totally alone with no one saying my name or asking me
questions or wanting anything from me. I
really need to learn how to astral project.
And I totally still hate my hair. But I am a little calmer now. I am pretty sure I can get through the next
couple of hours without crying or screaming at anyone. I don’t feel like I am about to cry
anymore. I’m gonna consider that a small
victory and hope there’s coffee. Today
is a day that calls for coffee. LOTS of
coffee. And chocolate. Oh, I would sell a kidney for some
chocolate. My wallet is empty, so no
chocolate for now. I can deal with
that. Surely. It’s Death By Chocolate, not Death from Lack
of Chocolate. I think. It could go either way at this point. My emails are stacking up. Time to lock this shit down and do the work
thing. I’m not very enthusiastic about
that. Some days being a grown up really
sucks.
One of the partners just walked in. Shit.
Just what I need. Time to go out
there and try to smile and pretend I give a shit. Frat Boy is out. Cheerleader is out. The Boss is not here yet. But loud obnoxious Howdy Doody with his little
idiotically dressed Muppet self is here.
Loud as ever. Today might be the
day I tell him to fuck off. Huh. The prospect of that actually cheered me up a
little.
