Well. Today I got one. And it is possibly the most hilarious thing I have ever read. I have copied and pasted the entire thing below, because really, it was too amazing not to share. The fact that it appears that the writer thinks I am dead, yet is sending me an email is just .... well, it's ridiculously funny. I would love to respond and say that unfortunately, I am in fact dead. However, I have manged to amass enough energy from the spectral plane to generate this email response allowing Mr Smith in West Virginia to claim my vast and previously unknown fortune.
I won't even go into a diatribe about misspellings and improper grammar. The mistakes just make it that much more fun. And seriously, I am tempted to respond, just for amusement. If I knew I could do it safely and securely I would. But I have no idea how all that scary tech stuff works, so I don't want to open myself up to any further issues. But still ...
I AM SORRY TO SHOW YOU
THIS IF IT'S NOT TRUE BUT I HAVE SENT YOU SO MANY EMAIL
THROUGH OUT LAST WEEK
AFTER I HEART HIS BUT YOU COULD NOT ANSWER ME. I RECEIVED
AN EMAIL FROM BEARNARD
WILLIAMS SMITH,
HE CALLED THIS OFFICE YESTERDAY WITH THIS
TELEPHONE NUMBER: +17038879002
INFORMED E THAT YOU ARE
DEAD AS THE RESULT OF YOUR THREE DAYS SICKNESS AND HE
SAID THAT I SHOULD SEND
HIM YOUR FUND IN ATM TO HIS ADDRESS AND HERE IS HIS
ADDRESS: AND HOME
INFORMATION WHICH HE HAS PROVIDED AS FOLLOWS,NAME MR. BEARNARD
WILLIAMS SMITH
Address: #6 Chateau Grove Lane,
Barboursville, West Virginia
25504: United States
ACCORDING TO HIM ON OUR PHONE CONVERSATION
AND EMAIL,
HE STATED THAT HE IS YOUR NEXT OF KIN BENEFICIARY, AND
HE ALSO TOLD US THAT YOU
INSTRUCTED HIM TO CLAIM
YOUR PROPERTIES INCLUDING YOUR MONEY IN CASE IF YOU ARE
NO MORE TO BE FOUND ON
EARTH AND THE AMOUNT IS US$7,5MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLAR
IN YOUR (ATM MASTER
CARD)
I AM VERY SORRY TO HEAR
THAT YOU ARE NO MORE TO BE FOUND ON EARTH AND I DON'T
KNOW THAT THIS IS THE
REASON WHY YOU HAVE NOT REPLY TO ALL THE EMAIL I SENT TO
YOU REGARDING THE
TRANSFER OF YOUR FUND.
BUT IF YOU ARE NOT DEAD
I WILL NEED YOUR CALL TO BE SURE AND MAIL (D.H.L)
BECAUSE HE PROMISE THAT
HE WILL PAY ALL THE DELIVERY FEE WHICH IS $105 TO ENABLE
US DELIVER THE (ATM
MASTER CARD). TO HIM AND I WILL NOT RELEASE THIS FUND TO ANY
BODY BECAUSE I DON'T
KNOW MR WILLIAMS SMITH, AND YOU DID NOT TOLD US THAT HE IS
YOUR NEXT OF KIN SO
PLEASE THAT IS THE PROBLEM WE HAVE HERE RIGHT NOW SO GET
BACK TO US NOW AND ALSO
TRY TO CALL US WITH THIS
HERE IS WHAT HE
FORWORDED TO US ABOUT YOUR DEAD
Coffin being taken out
of the cathedral
Pavarotti's coffin
YOURS FAITHFULLY
REV.DR. DOUGLAS MORRISON
E- MAIL ( okolojos@yahoo.co.jp )
Telephone Number +234 81
78553972 CALL US RIGHT AWAY
This is what my reply would be:
Dear Rev. Dr. Douglas Morrison,
I appreciate your concern for my mortal remains. Alas, Mr. Bearnard Williams Smith is correct, and I have departed this realm for the celestial heavens. I apologize for the delay in responding, but it has taken me considerable time and effort to amass the energy necessary to manipulate electronics from the spiritual plane.
As I am no longer in the mortal world, it would appear that Mr. Bearnard Williams Smith will claim his rights to my fortune. A fortune that I was previously unaware existed. However, since I have taken the time out of my busy spectral schedule to communicate with you, I thought I would share a few other details I have become aware of here in the Great Beyond.
It appears that Mr. Bearnard Williams Smith lives at Chateau Grove Senior Living. However, the number given above is for a Verizon cell phone in Arlington. For obvious reasons, I do not plan to call that number. Just know that if I did call it, I am pretty sure that the person answering it would not be Mr. Bearnard Williams Smith. I should also add that it appears that this Senior Living Center is nestled behind a trucking company and a Steak N Shake, with the interstate running behind. Bleak enrivons indeed. I can completely understand why he would want to claim my vast fortune to escape his surroundings.
It would also appear that you sir are all over the globe. Your email address is a Japanese exchange, though I have discovered that it is fairly simple to get a foreign email address with just a few clicks of the mouse, regardless of where you really are. (God Bless Google at it's abilities to be manipulated in the supernatural realm). Since the phone number provided has a Nigerian country code, I am guessing you are probably not in Japan. Clever attempt though. If I still had appendages, I'd give you a smattering of courtesy applause for your efforts.
I will close the the fact that I have never told you that Mr. Bearnard Williams Smith is my next of kin because, well, I have have never spoken with you. And, as I do not know anyone by that name, I am going to say that I am confident in my assessment that he is a stranger. As are you. I will also guess that there is in fact no US$7, Million, United State Dollar (ATM Master Card) for me. And even if there was ... who besides possibly Beyonce would have a Master Card with a $7M limit. And why would I claim it, given it's a CREDIT CARD, and I would be liable for the charges. Even in the afterlife, I am not an idiot. Nice try. Perhaps you would have more success with actual gainful employment. Some refresher courses in proper spelling and grammar would also be a good idea.
Finally, I am, at this very moment, putting a hex on you from the grave. Bibbity bobbity boo.
Sincerely,
Miss Hermoine Granger
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