holiday interlude

The holiday spirit has finally pervaded the Haus of Eville. The tree is up and twinkling ... even though it has about 1/4 the ornaments it usually does, and all of them are plastic or paper or cloth so The Minion doesn't destroy them. No presents under the tree this year - for the same reason.

We went and had pictures with Santa today. The Minion threw an unholy fit and refused to sit by himself, so we ended up with a nice family picture. Doubly nice since POF had agreed to go with us. We have very few photos of all three of us together, so that was a nice bonus.

Then we went and got a pizza and The Minion sat in the booth with POF like a little adult and ate his "peetzee". So damn cute it's just ridiculous.

With a fire in the fireplace, and a weenie dog under the tree, life is good. (Jerry is scared of the evil fire in the fireplace and won't even be in the living room unless I am. Then he hides as far away from the fireplace as possible. Currently, that's on the other side of the room - under the tree - with the couch blocking any possible view of the crackling scariness. He's such a wittle girl sometimes)

And in totally unrelated news, I am waiting on pins and needles for the premiere of The Hasselhoffs this weekend on A&E. It's pretty much guaranteed to be a train wreck you can't look away from, and I can't wait!

Facebook - what's the line between okay and just creepy?

Most people have old friends and classmates coming out of the woodwork to friend them on Facebook. Not me. Which is actually okay, and a little bit funny.

I mean, I make no secret about the fact that I was a Super Bitch in high school. And well, I sorta still am. My general rule has been: I wasn't friends with you then, I don't care about you know. So yeah, no one really goes out of their way to friend me. And I don't really friend request either.

That doesn't mean I don't get curious. See, I have this memory that remembers all kinds of stuff. I can tell you the names and plots of books I read in 5th grade. All my teacher's names, back to pre-school. And a large number of classmates names from then too. And sometimes my brain kicks in and I wonder about that girl I was friends with in 3rd grade, or that guy in my history class from 8th grade. Sometimes I will search a name and see if I find them, just out of curiosity. Especially elementary school. I remember all those kids, but for the most part, after 6th grade, I never saw them again. We went to different junior high/high schools and that was that.

I've had a friend tell me that someone she had gone to school with in like 3rd grade had found her on Facebook and how cool it was that they reconnected, etc. And that got me thinking ... what's the line? When is that cool and when is it creepy?

I mean, what do you say to these people?

Hey there Jennifer? Remember me? We went to elementary school together. I spent a weekend at your house once. I remember passing out flyers at the strip mall with you and your siblings protesting Liquor By The Drink in our town. I didn't even know that that meant since I was only 11. You had a weenie dog named Pooh Bear and I thought he was super cool, and to this day I am a dachshund lover. I thought it was cool that your dad was famous but still answered the door in his bathrobe and cowboy boots. And that stuffed cougar or whatever it was in your den scared the crap out of my mom. So, what's new with you?

Or ...

Hi Chris! We went to school together. I remember that you were super smart and skipped at least one grade. You always used to wear that stupid t-shirt with a teddy bear on it - something from that show MASH. Radar maybe? Anyway, I figure you are either like an astrophysicist with a giant brain, or a dishwasher at a Denny's after your total mental breakdown. Which is it? I may have money on it. Hope you are doing well!

You probably don't remember me. We were in band together. Not that we were friends. Everyone pretty much tormented you. How could we not really. I mean, you went by Lenny. That's just asking for a beating in those formative junior high years. I hear you are like super rich now or something. Cool. Glad you turned that whole bullying thing around in your favor. Take care!

Hey there crazy back stabby frienemy from high school? I hear you've been married at least 3 times. Yeah, apparently you are just as batshit crazy as your psycho mom with her multiple personalities. I hope to God (and Buddha, and Allah ... hell, throw in Zeus and Athena too for good measure) that you haven't reproduced. So, what's new with you?



See ... that's just creepy. Why would these people want to be my friends? Why would I want to be friends with someone that I haven't seen since before puberty? It's just weird. Or maybe it's just me.

Then there are the people that you try to find, but they just aren't anywhere. Those really intrigue me. Are they alive? How can there just be no trace of them at all? What are they hiding? These thoughts run around in my head sometimes. Cause I am nuts like that.

It's no wonder people are afraid to friend me. I am a little scary.

It's possible my liberal roots are showing ...

I try not to get too political in general, but this whole mosque nonsense has just pushed me past my ability to ignore stupid shit.

I wasn't in NYC on 9/11. I don't know anyone who was. I didn't lose a friend or family member. So, that being said, I have no idea what those people may feel about the whole thing - when it happened, and everything that's gone on to do with it since.

I realize that people might not like the idea of a mosque being built, as they are saying, at Ground Zero.

But ...

It's not like it's smack dab in the middle of Ground Zero. It's like 2 blocks away, around the corner. Technically still in that area, but not right where one of the Towers stood or anything. And if you've ever been to NYC, you know that a city block there is big. It's not like a neighborhood block in your subdivision. This thing is quite a little jaunt from the actual Ground Zero location.

Besides that, it's not like the people that will be using this mosque are the people that engineered 9/11. Newsflash people, not every Muslim is a fanatical America hater bent on destroying us.

Just like we have those crazy fanatical evangelists. Every religion has them. They don't make up the majority.

Now, yes, a large section of the Middle Eastern people do chant "Death to America" on a regular basis, and most of them are probably Muslim. But that really isn't a religious thing so much as a political thing. They may hide it behind religion, but it's not really about that. And they are basically brainwashed into believing that by the political and religious leaders that control them. They hate America, but don't really know why.

I saw a documentary on North Korea. The reporter was a British lady and she went to a school. The kids she talked to were about 8-10. She asked them if they had a message for the President (Baby Bush at the time), what would it be. And one of the kids actually said that she would tell him to stop killing babies. WTF? I may lay blame for a lot of things in Bush's lap, but I don't recall a baby slaughter of any sort. They are misguided. Granted, it's probably these same misguided people that will blow us off the map one day, but still. They are a only going with what they've been indoctrinated with. It's sad actually.

It seems to me that America was founded on a few key principles. One of those was Freedom of Religion. History class was a long time ago, but I do seem to recall something about how the first settlers were eager to come over here to get away from the religious oppression of their homeland. They came here to start over and have a place where they could worship their way openly.

America is supposed to be "The Greatest Country In The World". And we try to perpetuate that myth. But let's be realistic here. We are not the melting pot we claim to be. We do not support all different cultures, races and religions. And heaven forbid you be gay. Gay and want to have a family - just not acceptable. We don't want people to be "different".

America is turning into a place that wants us to be white. Conservative Christians. Ban the Mosques. Build a wall to keep the illegals out, and send them back if they do get in. Don't think too differently, don't express radical opinions. Hate anyone or anything that isn't "normal".

That's not what America is supposed to be about. It amazes me that people seem to forget what this country was really created for ... especially while they are on their soapbox screaming about protecting the Constitution.

Fear breeds hate. And politicians love to incite fear in their followers. Pay attention people. Use your brains and think for yourselves. Don't just swallow what the talking heads tell you. Don't let political agendas shrouded in religious rhetoric take away things you may not even realize you have.

Enough of that. On a different note, The Minion smells, and has just informed me of "poop". I love being a mom.

Every girl has a list of the guys she lusts after. Her crushes. Some secret, some not. Rock stars, celebrities, etc. You know - The List.

Well, my list has been basically the same since high school. That makes me feel old just saying that. And also predictable and maybe a little bit boring. But why fix something that ain't broke?

In recent years, my list has taken a beating. Slowly but surely, my lust worthy men are being eliminated because, well, they just aren't aging well. Finally, The List is broke and needs fixing.

The first to go was Keanu.

Oh Keanu, how I did love you so. Through the adorable stupidness of Bill and Ted. The sudden actiony hotness of Point Break and Speed. The super Neo sexy that followed. I was even willing to overlook those few really bad attempts at foreign accents.

But then you started wandering around looking like a homeless person with that scraggly beard of yours. I know you are eccentric and a bit quirky. I can go with that. But that excessive creepy facial hair is just too much. You gotta go. Shave that shit off your face and I might reconsider.

Then it was Joe Elliott from Def Leppard. I have swooned over this man since I was 15. The accent doesn't hurt either. I am a total sucker for accents. But Joe isn't aging so well. He's gotten a bit paunchy. And suffered through some truly unfortunate haircuts recently. Apparently going through about 5 wives has not done a lot for his complexion. Sadly, he had to go.

(Luckily, his guitar player Phil Collen was happy to step into his slot. This man is just ripped. He's a tiny little guy - like 5'6" or so - but just gorgeous. And there's that accent again. But really, it's watching him play. He's got this total casual swagger thing that just oozes sexy.)

But the really sad one is Nikki Sixx. I mean, this is a man that has basically consumed more drugs that humanly possible and survived. And did it all looking really good. If you are into that whole trashy rock star glam thing. Yes, please! He was doing so well. He made it to 50 and he was still looking fit and healthy. Then he started dating Kat Von D.

I like Kat Von D. I mean, she's not even 30 and has totally built this tattoo empire. That's pretty damn cool. I can even deal with the excessive tattoos she has. I don't really like to look at her hands, but other than that, I can ignore the rest. Granted, I think she looks like she's been out all night, and probably smells like a stale ashtray. She sorta has that Axl Rose vibe for me. I always just felt like he needed a good bath. So, yeah, I like her, but I really want to see her have a nice long soak.

And so she's half his age. Shit, he's Nikki Sixx. He can do that. He's supposed to do that. But then, it started to happen. She just sucked the hot right out of him. He started getting pasty looking. And bloated. And well, old. What the hell happened?!?!? I hear they broke up, so maybe there's hope. But for now, he's definitely benched.

So that makes me wonder ... do I need a new list? And if I do, who the hell do I put on it?!?!?!

All I can think of is those creepy middle aged women whose thoughts alone about Taylor Lautner should get them arrested. Or the scary women that go to their kids' school football games and leer at the cute boys. Shudder. Obviously, younger is not an option for me. It makes me feel like a child molester.

So, if I can't go younger, then what? Older? That's almost more disturbing. It makes me think of that movie Big Daddy and the line about old balls. ick.

Truthfully, there's just not a lot that I dig in my age group. Well, there's Kiefer Sutherland. He's sorta crazy and appears to have some sort of drinking issue, but that's kinda cool. It's a Kiefer kind of thing to tackle a Christmas tree in a hotel lobby. On him, it's endearing. On someone I was dating or married to, it would be grounds for divorce.

Jason Statham is pretty hot too - again with the accent. And that's all that comes to mind.

When did I stop noticing hot guys? Is that a mom thing that just happens? If so, that is just sad. I am determined to find me some new hotness for The List. Age appropriate of course. And if that doesn't work, then I guess I will start slinging back a couple glasses of wine before leering cute boys that are not even old enough to drink yet.

This weekend I endured another round of Twilight mania. What the hell is wrong with people? No, really, I need to know.

First, no one in their right mind should ever, ever, EVER think a vampire is sexy when he friggin' sparkles. That's just wrong. Vampires do not SPARKLE. Not under any circumstances. (Well, maybe if you rolled one in glitter and put it under a disco ball, but I don't really see that happening.)

Point is, vampires are all scary and hidden in the shadows. They are maybe evil, but always sexy. If I saw a vampire and he was all, "We have to hide because we sparkle in the sunlight", I would totally laugh in his face and tell him what a douchebag he was. Then I would make it my life's mission to follow him around, making fun of his sparklyness at every opportunity. Sparkly vampires are just dumb.

Second, what the hell is wrong with all these 30 something women being practically orgasmic over Tayler Lautner? I agree that he is a very nice looking kid. But he is a kid!!! He lives with his parents. He isn't even old enough to drink. He's barely old enough to drive. These thoughts you are having are illegal. And also, a little bit icky. Maybe I am just a prude or whatever, but he is a teenager. Soccer moms should NOT lust after teenage boys.

Now, I admit, that there have been a few times in the past several years when I have gone to high school football games for one reason or another. And I have seen a few boys that were cute. And I have thought to myself, "Gee, he's cute". This was immediately followed by the clanging of WARNING! DANGER! bells in my head, followed by the urge to vomit as I think, "That thought could get me arrested".

What else irritates me? That damn oil spill. Here's a novel idea fellas. Why don't we stop bitching about who's fault it is, or who should have done what when, and actually get off our asses and do something about it? I know that sounds like crazy talk, but trust me - it might actually work. Beyond that, send Ty Pennington and Martha Stewart down there. They will have the mess all cleaned up, and a new oil rig built in like 3 days. And where the hell is Oprah? Couldn't she have financed the entire cleanup effort by now?

Also, is no one thinking about hurricane season? What the hell happens when a hurricane comes through the Gulf and picks up all that oil, then moves over the states dropping oily rain over everything? Isn't that like Level 3 Apocalypse or something? I mean, if everything is covered in rain laden with oil and chemicals, isn't that pretty dangerous? Food and water supplies all the way up the food chain are contaminated. Sounds pretty serious to me. Does no one feel the need to mention this scenario? Mention it to Nance Grace ... she'll rant about it for weeks.

I hope people that park in a handicapped spot without a sticker or plate go to a special area of Hell where they have to park a mile away from EVERYTHING and walk. This includes toilets.

My sweet precious angel pup is going to be 15 soon. She's starting to show her age and it scares me. She is my heart and soul and I don't know what I will do without her. I wish she was a tiny teacup size so I could carry her everywhere with me. I just can't imagine life without her, even though I know it will happen one day.

It's fitting that The Minion's first real understandable word is her name. He crouches down and wiggles his fingers and calls her. She is unimpressed and heads the opposite way. It's so cute.

The Minion is into everything. All. The. Time. He eats like a pig and is so long and skinny I call him my little stringbean. His new favorite thing is to climb up on the couch and throw himself around like he's having some sort of fit. He's actually wanting you to wrestle him. Thanks to his Daddy for teaching him that.

Speaking of POF ... he went the other day and got his hair cut. Brought the mohawk back. I have to say, he's one of the few people that can actually pull it off. He looks like a badass, and he knows it. I think it makes him look more like the wild Indian that he is. I like him today. Possibly because I haven't seen him since 8 AM. hee.

Minion's awake. Motherhood calls. It trills actually. Like a cross between a dove and Gizmo from Gremlins. Yes, my kid is "unique".

What's fun and educational, and possibly somewhat racist?

Well, it's this. The Passover Ten Plagues Finger Puppets.


I first came across these in a post last year by Steamy. I laughed so hard I cried, and decided then and there that this was quite possibly the most awesome thing ever ... and I had to have it.










So, I searched online and found a site that had them. I bought two - one for myself, and one for a friend of mine who is just as sick and twisted as I am. No one but her could really understand the truly amazingness of this item.

(They are fun AND educational - it says so
on the label)

So, I get them and I grab one randomly for my
friend's gift, and hang mine up from the mirror
on the dresser in our room. I feel the need to
look at it every time I come in or out of the room.
It's just so wrong, and funny, it never fails to make me laugh.







Now, in Steamy's original post, and in the set I gave to my friend, the Darkness plague was a little sad faced house, all black and pitiful. Cute. In fact, all of them are pretty darn cute. For signs of the apocalypse, these things are damn cheerful. Except one. And it seems a little off.

I noticed it a couple of months ago, and I've been just about giddy with it ever since. The fact that this is an actual Jewish educational toy, purchased from a Jewish educational site just makes it all the more delightful. See my Darkness isn't a house. It's ... well ... it's a little bit racist. Do you see it? Surely it's not just me.


See it here, right in the middle of the happy plague of locusts, and the death of the firstborn. Firstborn's not too happy either, but then, he's dead, so that probably explains it.
















Just to give you the total picture of awesomeness, here's some close-ups of the rest.

Note that Hail is apparently Bozo the Clown. Very, very interesting.

The Cattle Plague is looking a bit distressed, but in a comical and fun-loving sort of way.

And though Mr. Boils looks more than a little vexed at his dermatological condition, he still manages to pull of an air of whimsical charm.

I thought the Death of the Firstborn deserved an encore.

Don't Blood and Rain of Frogs look like happy little pals? And I think maybe Blood has a bit of indigestion, or possibly a case of IBS.

That lion (aka the fun-filled Rampage of the Wild and Deadly Animals) looks like he's just licking his chops in anticipation of some human snacks.

And the cheeky guy next to him ... that would be Lice. Who knew that Lice were so personable?

I've been thinking about the possibly "educational" uses for these finger puppets, and all it does is make me laugh. While I guess some high-minded religious types might be able to successfully incorporate these into a lesson that is entertaining and educational, all my scenarios land right smack in the middle of two categories: Blasphemy and Going Straight to Hell.

Well, hello there. It's been a while. Apparently I've been in sort of an anti-writing mood. Or rather an anti-computer mood. I hardly ever turn the thing on these days.

I was totally addicted to Mafia Wars and Farmville. Haven't touched either of them in over a month. Strange. POF is mad that I haven't been keeping up with his Facebook page for him. Oops. I just don't find it interesting at present.

Most people would call it a case of the blues. But blue is a happy color to me. For me, it's a case of the pinks. The Evil Pinks. It's made me blah and just not really interested in much of anything outside of The Minion.

But things have been busy here at the Haus of Evil. POF got his fancy blueprint type drawing software on the computer, so I fear I have lost him forever. It's called AutoCAD, and it is the Devil. Anything involving geometry usually is.

Also, this morning, he practically levitated off the couch when Robin Meade from HLN was reporting live from Nashville. He actually said the words "Robin's in Nashville, we need to stalk her". Cute, but a little scary. I had no idea he had such feelings for her. He will never ever live it down. heh.

The Minion fell out the back door yesterday and got his first concrete scrape on his big ole noggin. Luckily I was able to realize he was launching himself off the step in time to grab one arm and, with my cat-like reflexes and grace (snort), was able to prevent him from slamming down face first. Instead he barely even hit the concrete and just has a minor scrape on the side of his forehead. I however, have sore muscles and a knot in the middle of my back where the door handle tried to penetrate a lung. Fun times. It scared the crap out of me, and I was amazed that I managed to not fall and break something myself. Coordination is not something I have in abundance.

I have been lazy and horrible and stopped walking daily on the treadmill. Which makes me angry at myself cause I was really in a rhythm there and was noticing a difference in how my clothes fit. I lost my willpower for some reason and haven't found it again. Taking a nap when The Minion does has been much more to my liking. Or reading a book. Or watching TV. Basically, I am just lazy.

I don't even have anything funny to say. Or hateful. I am definitely not in top form. Maybe it's due to too much Yo Gabba Gabba.

We finally managed to schedule a family beach vacation for this year. We didn't get to go last year, and I could definitely use a break. Plus, seeing The Minion on the beach will be awesome. But now we have that whole oil spill / possible beginning of the apocalypse thing happening, so who knows if we'll get to go or not.

I blame the Queen Mother. She has an astounding track record at destruction. For years, she would just mention in passing an area she would like to visit, and the next thing we knew, it would be totally devastated by some sort of natural disaster. This is a record though, even for her.

Before I get even more boring, I must go and bathe. The Minion finally fell asleep, and I actually have a lunch date today. I am sure she would appreciate decent personal hygiene.