This weekend I endured another round of Twilight mania. What the hell is wrong with people? No, really, I need to know.

First, no one in their right mind should ever, ever, EVER think a vampire is sexy when he friggin' sparkles. That's just wrong. Vampires do not SPARKLE. Not under any circumstances. (Well, maybe if you rolled one in glitter and put it under a disco ball, but I don't really see that happening.)

Point is, vampires are all scary and hidden in the shadows. They are maybe evil, but always sexy. If I saw a vampire and he was all, "We have to hide because we sparkle in the sunlight", I would totally laugh in his face and tell him what a douchebag he was. Then I would make it my life's mission to follow him around, making fun of his sparklyness at every opportunity. Sparkly vampires are just dumb.

Second, what the hell is wrong with all these 30 something women being practically orgasmic over Tayler Lautner? I agree that he is a very nice looking kid. But he is a kid!!! He lives with his parents. He isn't even old enough to drink. He's barely old enough to drive. These thoughts you are having are illegal. And also, a little bit icky. Maybe I am just a prude or whatever, but he is a teenager. Soccer moms should NOT lust after teenage boys.

Now, I admit, that there have been a few times in the past several years when I have gone to high school football games for one reason or another. And I have seen a few boys that were cute. And I have thought to myself, "Gee, he's cute". This was immediately followed by the clanging of WARNING! DANGER! bells in my head, followed by the urge to vomit as I think, "That thought could get me arrested".

What else irritates me? That damn oil spill. Here's a novel idea fellas. Why don't we stop bitching about who's fault it is, or who should have done what when, and actually get off our asses and do something about it? I know that sounds like crazy talk, but trust me - it might actually work. Beyond that, send Ty Pennington and Martha Stewart down there. They will have the mess all cleaned up, and a new oil rig built in like 3 days. And where the hell is Oprah? Couldn't she have financed the entire cleanup effort by now?

Also, is no one thinking about hurricane season? What the hell happens when a hurricane comes through the Gulf and picks up all that oil, then moves over the states dropping oily rain over everything? Isn't that like Level 3 Apocalypse or something? I mean, if everything is covered in rain laden with oil and chemicals, isn't that pretty dangerous? Food and water supplies all the way up the food chain are contaminated. Sounds pretty serious to me. Does no one feel the need to mention this scenario? Mention it to Nance Grace ... she'll rant about it for weeks.

I hope people that park in a handicapped spot without a sticker or plate go to a special area of Hell where they have to park a mile away from EVERYTHING and walk. This includes toilets.

My sweet precious angel pup is going to be 15 soon. She's starting to show her age and it scares me. She is my heart and soul and I don't know what I will do without her. I wish she was a tiny teacup size so I could carry her everywhere with me. I just can't imagine life without her, even though I know it will happen one day.

It's fitting that The Minion's first real understandable word is her name. He crouches down and wiggles his fingers and calls her. She is unimpressed and heads the opposite way. It's so cute.

The Minion is into everything. All. The. Time. He eats like a pig and is so long and skinny I call him my little stringbean. His new favorite thing is to climb up on the couch and throw himself around like he's having some sort of fit. He's actually wanting you to wrestle him. Thanks to his Daddy for teaching him that.

Speaking of POF ... he went the other day and got his hair cut. Brought the mohawk back. I have to say, he's one of the few people that can actually pull it off. He looks like a badass, and he knows it. I think it makes him look more like the wild Indian that he is. I like him today. Possibly because I haven't seen him since 8 AM. hee.

Minion's awake. Motherhood calls. It trills actually. Like a cross between a dove and Gizmo from Gremlins. Yes, my kid is "unique".