Right now I have less than $50 in my checking account. The electric bill is due in three days, along
with water, a student loan payment and a minimum on the credit card. We are also almost out of milk and eggs. I am a little stressed.
Some unexpected expenses came up, and we knew the next month
would be tight. Really, REALLY
tight. So, I should be prepared. But then the battery in the van died, so now
I’m driving the truck and that thing sucks gas like nobody’s business.
I’m sitting on $20k in credit card debt. And yes, that’s my fault. But it was accumulated over a period of
years, and it was how we lived when we were both essentially unemployed. It wasn't spent on extravagant things like
vacations or big screen TVs. It was spent
on food and toilet paper. I can manage
the minimum payment each month. And I
still need it to buy gas. That’s pretty
much all I use it for now. But that
balance is still sitting there. Because
the minimum payment barely covers the interest due each month. At this rate, I will never get it paid
off. And that means I can’t qualify for
a home loan or a car loan. And that
freaks me out.
It also makes me anxious and angry. We are good people. We don’t live extravagant lives. We try to help others when we can. And so I have the thoughts … the jealous,
envious, bitter thoughts that I hate even more than the circumstances. Why us?
Why can’t we catch a break? Why do (fill in blank with name of friend/family
member that seems to have such a greater amount of good fortune than we do)
always just have luck and good things fall into their laps while we struggle
and do without?
God, I hate myself when this shit runs through my head. It’s so petty and it makes me feel like a
horrible person. But the thoughts are
there.
But here’s the thing.
I have a house. I have a
vehicle. I have a job. We do have cable and internet. We do have cell phones. The kid has more toys than he knows what to
do with. We do have food to eat. And clothes to wear. We have it so much better than so many
people.
I know people who live literally check to check, moving
money around to cover this bill this month, and that bill the next, always with
bills late and things in danger of being cut off. I know people who don’t have cable, or
internet, or a cell phone. Who don’t
have more than one vehicle, or who have way too many people crammed into way
too small of a space. I am fortunate.
But still I am angry and frustrated and dammit, why can’t we
catch a break?! What this break is, I
have no idea. We aren't winning Powerball
because I've never bought a ticket. In
order to get any sort of money, we would have to have a relative die … and I
can’t exactly sit around hoping for Aunt Bitsy to kick so I might get a few
bucks. There’s no good karma that can
come from that.
We work hard. We do
our best to pay our bills, ALL our bills, every month, on time. We don’t spend things we don’t need. Okay, yes.
We do go out to eat sometimes.
And if the boy has a really good week or two at school for behavior, we
will get him a reward. But usually it’s
nothing over $20. We aren't blind to our
circumstances. But that doesn't mean
that I don’t feel like we are just digging this hole deeper and deeper and
there’s no way out.
Our eaves and gutters need to be repaired. One of our garage doors is broken. The back door into the garage has a broken
hinge so it hangs funny. The flooring in
the living room is coming up. The
wallpaper in the bathroom is starting to peel off. The wallpaper in the kitchen has places that
are pulled off from when the kid was little and saw a loose edge and couldn't resist. The faucets in the tub and sink
in the master bath drip … or in the case of the tub, there’s a small steady
trickle. My front landscaping looks like something in an abandoned neighborhood
where the weeds and bushes reclaim the houses.
We have WAY too much stuff, and not nearly enough room. And I just don’t
even know where to begin.
So I don’t. None of that
can be taken care of right now. Right
now, it’s just about paying the bills and getting through to the next month
without an overdraft or a declined card.
It’s survival mode. It seems like
it’s been that way for over a year. Any
mention of struggles to mom and I get a lecture about spending money and how
she just can’t understand how that credit card could be so high. That never helps, so I just don’t say
anything. Don’t get me wrong. She helps us.
She helps us a LOT. We wouldn't be where we are today, precarious though the finances are, without her help and
support. My family has kept us afloat
through the worst of times.
Yet I still have those feelings of why us? Where’s our
windfall? Why can’t we ever get ahead? Are we EVER going to be able to have a nest egg? To be able to afford a vacation? Hell, to be able to afford a car payment if needed?
The future is equally scary.
We both chose career fields that aren't conducive to 401Ks and
retirement plans and savings accounts.
We have no savings. We have no
401Ks. We have no safety net or backup
plan. It’s scary as hell. And if I think about it too much, I will have
a nervous breakdown. So I just keep my
head down, focused on one bill at a time.
One week at a time. We will make
it through. We will find a way. We ALWAYS find a way.
I am so tired of always having to find a way and figure it
out. I don’t want to be rich. I don’t
need a huge house or expensive cars. I
just want to be able to pay my bills and not be in panic mode 24/7. I want to hear that the kid is invited to a
birthday party and not have my first thought be about how we need to get a gift
and where will we get the money for that?!
I think about getting some sort of side job for extra
money. But what? I don’t have enough hours in the day to get
things done now. And what am I going to
do? I am a terrible sales person, so
while the idea of all those “make extra cash on your own time, from home” sort
of things like Pampered Chef or whatever sound great, the actual nuts and bolts
of it would be horrible for me. And
yeah, I am creative, but I have no idea how to put the things I am creative at
into action to make money. Give me the
tools and I can plan and research and nitpick it into amazingness. But give me nothing but a vague idea and no
direction, and I am dead in the water.
I want to have the kid in soccer or martial arts or send him
to camp. That’s just not our
reality. It’s not anywhere near a possibility.
I don’t know if it ever will be. Looking
back on my childhood, I realize that there were a lot of years where we were
technically poor. But I never really
knew it. My grandparents made sure of
that. I never wanted for anything. And my mom always makes sure that the boy has
anything he needs. But it breaks my
heart to have to say “not this week” when he asks for a certain cereal or Popsicle or toy because we legitimately can’t afford it right now.
Part of it is pride.
I went to school. I got a degree. I’m smart. I work hard.
I pay my bills. I’ll be damned if
I am going to ask for help unless I just absolutely have to. I hate it.
And the truth is, at this point, I don’t know what kind of help I’d even
ask for. Can someone please come write
me a check for about $50,000 … no strings attached? That’s not happening. And I’m not holding out hope for some sort of
intricately detailed plan for getting all our problems solved to come floating
down from the heavens. I don’t know what
to do next. I don’t know what tomorrow
is going to bring.
I do know that I can’t give up. And I can’t stop doing what I’d doing, even
though it seems hopeless and fruitless at times. I know that I am lucky, and have so much more
that so many others. I know that I will
make it through, even if there are some bumps and bruises along with way. And probably some tears.
At the end of the day, we do the best we can with the tools
we have in front of us. Tomorrow is a
new beginning.
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