Growing Pains ... He's growing up, and it makes my heart hurt

Today was The Minion’s second half-day of kindergarten. 

Any time you have to pay for anything, the check has to be put into an envelope that is labeled with their name, teacher, and what it’s for.  And that has to be given to the teacher.  Since I had two checks that needed to make it to the teacher, I walked in and waited with him.

Tuesday was his first day.  We walked in, found our way into the cafeteria, and waited in the designated area.  He was nervous, a little clingy.  The kindergarten assistant came and got them all lined up along the wall to be escorted to the classrooms.  We walked down the hall, he was holding my hand.  Into the classroom.  He was hesitant, and looking around with big eyes, taking it all in.  He gave me a hug and let me go without any hesitation, and that made it easier for me to leave, knowing he was not scared or upset.

Cut to today.  We are waiting in the cafeteria.  He sits down and immediately starts talking to the little boy across from him.  They are talking spaceships and boy stuff, with lots of “cool!” and “awesome!” and laughter.  It was so damn adorable I almost couldn’t stand it.  The assistant came out and said it was time to look up.  And it happened.

He looked up at me and said, “Bye Mama”.  I was dismissed.  

I told him that I was going with him to make sure the money got to the teacher.  He walked to the line without me.  No hand holding today.  I stood across the hallway against the other wall.  We headed to the classroom.  He walked beside me, but again, there was no little hand in mine.  We got to the doorway.  The teacher said good morning to him and he smiled.  I handed her the checks.  He hugged me and trotted into the classroom with a “Bye Mama” over his shoulder.

And that was it.  I didn’t really cry on Tuesday.  But I cried today.  Hell, I am about to cry now, just typing it.   And yet, I am not entirely sure what I am crying about … what exactly the emotion is that I feel.

I am proud.  Oh so proud.  This is what I have taught him, how I was raising him to be.  Independent.  Confident.  Curious and willing to explore new things on his own.  Knowing that Mama and Daddy always have his back, but it’s okay to go on his own. 

But my heart did break a little bit.  Not that I wanted him to cry and cling to me. Because I don’t want that at all.  But it was just a little bittersweet, realizing he’s growing up and not needing me quite so much.  In public at least. At home he’s still on my like a spider monkey. But when we are out in public, more and more often he walks next to me, ahead of me.  And I feel that little hand take mine less and less. And every time I think about that, it does make me cry.

I am so ready for him to be in school.  For him to go on sleepovers and be more independent.  For him to start having his own little life.  And therefore allowing me to have a little bit more of one myself.

And yet … I am so NOT ready.  Not at all.  Not for him to be growing up and going off on his own.  To need me less and his friends more.  It’s a precarious balance, and I know it’s not going away any time soon. Wanting him to be my baby, and wanting him to grow up into the strong, smart, awesome man I know he will be.

Letting him bounce off into the classroom when what I really want to do is grab him and hold him tight and smother him in kisses.  Knowing he would absolutely die of embarrassment if I did that in front of his teacher.  Wanting to do it anyway.

I don’t know girls, or how things are different – or the same – with them.  I only know the boy stuff.  And this mother-son relationship stuff is just … intense.  I don’t know if I could survive a teenage girl.  I might not survive this teenage boy.  I can’t even THINK about teenage Minion right now.  Kindergarten Minion is just about more than my heart can take.

I never knew I could be devastated and elated at the same damn time. Heartbroken and full of pride. Damn kid. But I do know this. I can’t wait to see what he grows into this year.  This new grown up boy.  And even though it hurts my heart a little, I also know that he will still crawl into my lap for a snuggle while we watch TV, and still want me to cuddle him as he goes to sleep.  I’ll take it.