Talking about body parts with my kid makes me awkward

The Minion hasn't really started asking a lot of questions about where babies are born or anything like that, so I've dodged the bullet so far.  But he does occasionally ask me if I pee out my butt or something like that, and it makes me pause.  The other day we got into that general discussion about boys vs. girls and peeing.  And it made me realize two things.

      I really don’t have a name for my nether regions.  I never refer to it by anything specific.

             When I do refer to said region, male or female, I generally use some sort of ridiculous term like nether region or dangly bits. 

It started as a joke years ago, making fun of those silly romance novels with their amusing phrases for sex and genitals. And then it became a habit.  It’s become so normal for me to throw out one of those terms that saying penis or vagina feels weird and awkward.  Kind of like the way you might refer to your husband as Honey or Daddy and then, when you call him by his actual name, it just feels wrong somehow.

So, here I am.  Awkward.  I know eventually these discussions need to happen.  And I am willing to let them come about naturally.  But then I panic.  I mean, he’s five.  I don’t want to give him TOO much information.  And I don’t want to get too technical or complicated so that he just doesn’t even understand what I am saying (and I might have a tendency to do that).  I also don’t want to give him wrong information.  And finally, I just want to avoid it.  I mean, I know if I throw out a new and odd sounding word like vagina, he’s gonna latch onto that baby and work it into every conversation.  And that is probably just about the last thing I want to deal with.

And I realized that I have a touch of prude to me.  I will blame it on being Southern.  This is something that ladies just do NOT discuss.  Yet, at the same time, I don’t have a problem with seeing or hearing about sex, or even discussing it myself.  In most circumstances.  Yet, I get with my kid, and I just have a total panic and freeze moment.

Maybe it's because I know this stuff is important.  For him to have a healthy view of himself and others. For him to understand the importance of bodily function and self-respect and privacy and all that.  For him to, eventually, understand the concepts of respecting others and intimacy and responsibility and all that.

I want to be open and honest.  I want to be the mom that he can come to about anything like that.  In theory.  The reality is that I get uncomfortable and a little red-faced and I tend to stammer a bit.  My default response to some things has become, “I can’t really explain that in a way that you can understand at 5 years old.  When you are a little older, we will talk about it.”  Naturally, this leads to a million questions about how old is old enough and when and all that.  I have a feeling I might even resort to the whole “ask your father” response as time goes on.

So I am at an impasse.  I don’t want to give the kid ideas before he’s even thinking about things, but I also don’t want him to be doing teenage shit without anyone to guide him in the right direction.  I want him to talk to me.  I am also terrified at the prospect of him wanting to talk to me.  I know I will catch him in an awkward and embarrassing situation at least once.  I dread it.  I hope I handle it with a sense of humor and not make a total idiot of myself.  I’m fairly certain one of us will be scarred for life.  I’d rather it be me.

And none of this mental musing helps me at all because, for the life of me, I still have no idea what to say now when he asks me how I pee.  The usual response of “sitting down” isn't cutting it anymore.  And quite frankly, I feel even more ridiculous saying hoo-ha, or something similar. 

Then I have this image in my head of my kid telling his girlfriend he’d like to “stroke her lady bits”, and after I stop laughing, I realize that’s not gonna cut it either.

It’s actually embarrassing for me to even talk about now.  I mean, everyone has a nickname for the genitals, right?  And everyone casually uses slang terms and phrases, don’t they?  It just makes me all kinds of awkward and uncomfortable.  I can’t say “the p word” without feeling like my face is on fire and everyone is looking at me.  It’s just not proper.  Ladies do NOT say those things (said in that prim genteel Southern tone).

I wonder if it’s because I never really had those kind of talks with anyone as a kid growing up.  You just didn't talk about that kind of stuff.  I knew what a period was, and why it happened (thanks to that 5^th grade film we had to watch), but there was never any sort of mother-daughter bonding moment like something out of a tampon commercial.  There was no big fanfare, no declaration of womanhood.  Honestly, I don’t even think I said anything when I did start my period.  I knew the deal.  I knew where the supplies were.  I started using them.  It was just never really discussed.

At least not that I remember.  And there’s a chance that I have totally blocked out some meaningful exchange … that happens from time to time.  But, I am fairly certain that my mom wasn't even aware that it was happening until several months in.

Same goes for sex.  Thanks to health class I knew about safe sex and diseases and how babies get made and all that.  But there was never really any actual dialogue about it at home.  The sum total of her talk to me on sex was, “Don’t.”  So, naturally, I did.  I wasn't always responsible or careful, and to be honest, it’s nothing but pure luck that I didn't catch any diseases or get myself in a whole lot more trouble than I did. 

Bottom line, I don’t want my kid to have a kid while he’s still a teenager.  But I also don’t want to be either the mom that goes into detailed speeches about anatomical function and what’s “normal” and all that crap.  But I also don’t want to be the mom that can only sputter out something like “make sure you wrap it up” and then hastily leaves the room.  That whole “ask your father” response is looking better and better.

Somehow I just know I am going to hand him a book called something lame like Your Changing Body and then tell him to consult me with questions after he’s read it.  Sweet Jesus.