The one where I have anger and hate all things

Today is Friday.  And it is … not going well.  Can’t put my finger on exactly why, but it’s just one of those days where I am borderline nervous breakdown.  Everything makes me either want to HULK SMASH or sob hysterically.  Sometimes both.

Yes, money is a little tight right now.  And that always makes me a little more anxious and irritable. And I hate walking around with that low level of dread in the pit of my stomach every hour of every day.  But I can deal with that.  Usually.  Apparently, not today.

I woke up when the alarm went off at 5 with a headache.  Since the hubs had an appointment at 8:30, I knew he wasn’t leaving at 6 for work, so I reset the alarm for 6 with the hopes that I would wake up without a headache.  No such luck.  In fact, not only did I wake up with the headache still intact, but I woke up feeling irritable and angry.  Just Mega Bitch for no real reason.  And, that hour made me feel more tired and threw my entire routine off.  So, instead of being out the door – late as always – by 8, I was washing my hair at 8:10.

My hair is thin and fine.  I hate my hair.  I covet thick hair.  I have prayed for thick hair.  It just ain’t happening.  I mean, if I could change one thing about myself, it would be to have thick hair.  And that’s saying a lot considering I am overweight and not real happy with the way I look in that department.  Still.  Hair.  Ugh.  So, it knots up easily.  I use a nice wooden brush and I condition and I use detangler. Normally it’s all good.  But not today.  Today that damn brush got tangled in my hair three times.  And each time it was like some sort of intricate system of knots that only a sailor could manage.  By the third time, I was so out of patience for gently untangling it, that I just jerked on it till it came loose.  There’s probably a big chunk of hair missing on the side of my head, and I don’t even give a shit.  I am OVER it.

Then there’s the kid.  I love this kid.  Love him more than I ever thought possible.  But some days … some days he pushes all my buttons and puts me on the brink of apocalyptic emotional upheaval.  Like today.  He’s stubborn.  Gets that from me.  I know it.  I expect it.  I usually handle it pretty well.  He’s also independent.  Like me.  And I can usually take that too.  But some days … I get that he is flexing his little muscles of independence and pushing boundaries.  But for the love of all that is holy, that kid better learn to do what I ask, the FIRST time I ask it, or there’s gonna be bloodshed.  Probably from my head as I rip my hair out.

We are so late.  Saying we are behind schedule at this point is like saying Death Valley gets a bit warm in summer.  So, I ask him to please go brush his teeth.  Twice.  He finally wanders in from the living room and flops onto the bed.  I tell him we need to go, brush teeth and hair.  Now.  And he lays there.  I say, “Don’t make me tell you again.” He rolls around a bit.  He pulls the blanket around himself.  He stretches.  I am about to seriously put a hole through the wall.  With MY MIND. So, I take a breath, I ask calmly again.  He’s doing his stretches.  He will go in a minute.  I tell him he needs to go now.  Finally, after he seems in no hurry to get up, I get him by the hands, pull him up off the bed and point him toward the bathroom.  He starts whining about how he was “about to go”.  I swatted his butt and said that was the problem.  He should have already been in there, and finished.

He is of course doing the fake cry thing, which always makes me crazy, but today is like nails on a chalkboard to my already fraying nerves.  I hand him his toothbrush with the toothpaste on it.  And he refuses to take it.  Mumbles something.  I HATE mumbling.  So I tell him to speak clearly.  He mumbles again.  I ask again for clear words.  He does it in baby talk.  I repeat to speak properly.  Baby talk gibberish.

Oh My God, I am about to have an out of body rage experience.  What the fuck is wrong with this kid?!  Why is he insisting on being so damn difficult, when he KNOWS I am at the end of my patience and about to snap?  It’s like he does it on purpose.  In fact, I am 98% certain he does do it on purpose, just to see if he can finally drive me nuts.  The teenage years are going to be brutal.

Finally, I take the toothbrush and brush them for him.  Which is what he wanted to begin with.  I understood the baby talk, I just wanted him to speak like a freaking 5 year old.  Geez. 

So, I am frustrated and angry and just so over this damn day already.  I feel the tears start to form.  And dammit, that just pisses me off more.  I hate being an angry crier. I am trying to ask him why he’s being so difficult when I realize he’s giggling.  I look down, and he’s mooning me.  I look up into the mirror and he’s sticking his tongue out at me.  Normally, I would probably find it funny.  But considering I’ve been trying to get him to listen and follow instructions for two simple tasks for about 10 minutes, and he’s fought me every step of the way, I find NO humor in this.  So I pop his tail.  Once.  Not hard.  Just like I smacked his butt as I headed him toward the bathroom before.  Not a spanking.  Just a swat to say Hey, focus and get your shit together kid.  Well, naturally, he starts to wail like I have beaten him with a wire coat hanger.  And I am trying to ask him why he’s being so stubborn.  He knows he has to brush.  He knows we are running late.  He knows he had to follow instructions or I will lose my mind.  And he is not giving me any answers.  None.  He’s too busy making faces at himself in the mirror.

I am trying to have a serious ‘what the hell is the deal with your behavior’ this morning talk, and he’s making silly faces in the mirror.  WTF?!?!  At that point, I did lose it.  There was no stopping the tears.  I felt like I was having a total parental fail and something had to be seriously wrong with this kid to be more concerned with making stupid faces at himself in the mirror than he was about getting his butt popped.  He was just howling like a banshee about it 30 seconds ago … I was just at a loss.  How can this even be normal behavior?  Am I in fact raising some sort of sociopath?  Oh God, I do NOT have time to go down that road today.  Just don’t have the mental fortitude to deal with whackadoo train of thought.  So I shut it down.  Moving on.

I manage to get him out the door.  We get halfway to school when I realize that I didn’t even brush my teeth.  Gross.  Thank goodness I have a toothbrush in my desk.

I drop him off.  I head to work.  So late.  So over it.  Still feeling overwhelmed and anxious and angry and fighting tears.  I want to just say screw work, find someplace quiet and peaceful somewhere – like in a boat in the middle of the lake – and just sit.  And that scares me because I don’t do boats in lakes and there are snakes and how could I even for a second think that would be peaceful?  But that’s what I want.

I am here.  I am at work.  I am working.  I am still angry.  I still don’t know why.  I hope everyone just leaves me the hell alone today.  I don’t want to be here.  I don’t know where I want to be.  I know it involves quiet and nature sounds and being totally alone with no one saying my name or asking me questions or wanting anything from me.  I really need to learn how to astral project. 

And I totally still hate my hair.  But I am a little calmer now.  I am pretty sure I can get through the next couple of hours without crying or screaming at anyone.  I don’t feel like I am about to cry anymore.  I’m gonna consider that a small victory and hope there’s coffee.  Today is a day that calls for coffee.  LOTS of coffee.  And chocolate.  Oh, I would sell a kidney for some chocolate.  My wallet is empty, so no chocolate for now.  I can deal with that.  Surely.  It’s Death By Chocolate, not Death from Lack of Chocolate.  I think.  It could go either way at this point.  My emails are stacking up.  Time to lock this shit down and do the work thing.  I’m not very enthusiastic about that.  Some days being a grown up really sucks.

One of the partners just walked in.  Shit.  Just what I need.  Time to go out there and try to smile and pretend I give a shit.  Frat Boy is out.  Cheerleader is out.  The Boss is not here yet.  But loud obnoxious Howdy Doody with his little idiotically dressed Muppet self is here.  Loud as ever.  Today might be the day I tell him to fuck off.  Huh.  The prospect of that actually cheered me up a little.