Have you ever wondered what happens at the Haus of Eville? Generally, while we are always on the lookout for potential plots of world domination, things are pretty mundane. Laundry, dishes, lawn work.
Granted, I am pretty sure the sink is possessed by some sort of evil enchantment that makes the dirty dishes reproduce while we sleep. And we have broken two lawn mowers in two weeks, leading me to suspect that another evil enchantment also controls our grounds. That combined with excessive rain in the last two weeks has left us contemplating if a heard of goats might somehow be incorporated into our lawn care regimen.
But for the most part - same old routine. However, once in a while you get a day that just throws you for a loop. I had one of those this morning. So, I give you How My Day Started. You're welcome.
4:15 AM Alarm goes
off. I wake up, alone. Interesting.
Wonder why the minion got up in the middle of the night and went to sleep in his
bed with the husband. Head to kitchen to pack
husband’s cooler for the day.
4:16 AM No
cooler. Head outside to get cooler from
car in tshirt and underwear.
4:17 AM Standing in
driveway, in tshirt and underwear, realize that husband drove truck. Truck is locked. Head back inside to get keys. Spend two minutes rummaging through pants
pockets in the floor, looking for keys.
Head back outside.
4:20 AM Truck is
parked in grass. Open passenger door
from driveway and realize cooler is behind driver’s seat. This will involve a trek through the wet
grass in the dark. Yay. Still in underwear and tshirt. Do not care.
4:23 AM Survived trip
around truck in wet grass (ew ew ew).
Start to open truck door and realize that OMG I have to pee. And I am going to pee, whether I like it or
not, in 3-2-1.
4:23 AM Immediately
drop panties and crouch into peeing in the wild position. Unleash torrent of urine into yard. (Note – I am now half naked with my ass
hanging out for the world to see. Note
that I live on a main road with a 50 MPH speed limit. I still do not care. Thank sweet baby Jebus that no one drove by,
even though it was still pitch black outside and no streetlights. My giant white ass is a beacon)
4:24 AM Realize that
I now must balance myself on the square inch of ground that my left foot covers
so as not to accidentally step in the pee area … which I can’t really see for
sure since it’s DARK outside. Begin to obsess about possible pee
contamination. Retrieve cooler.
4:26 AM Make lunch
and pack cooler
4:30 AM Head back to
bedroom. Absently wonder again why the minion
went to sleep with husband. Sit down on side
of bed to check feet for possible traces of yard pee (negative).
4:31 AM. Wet
spot. Now know answer to why minion left bed
to go sleep with husband. Strip bed. Spray mattress. Take sheets to washer and start load. Return to bedroom, flipping on lights and
mumbling obscenities about loved ones under my breath.
4:33 AM Turn more
lights on. Get sheets from dresser at
end of hallway. Slam drawer, sigh a
lot. Loudly. Mutter and curse. Loudly.
Remake bed, as loudly as possible.
Extra drawer banging for effect.
4:35 AM NO ONE
NOTICES
4:45 AM Still no one
stirs. Give up, turn off lights, mutter
some more hateful things toward my beloved son and husband, climb back into
clean, dry bed.
4:50 AM Husband’s alarm goes off. Snooze.
5 AM alarm goes off again.
He gets up. I fall asleep.
5:45 AM my alarm goes off.
Head to kitchen to put sheets in dryer.
No indication that he noticed my pre-dawn plight. Shower and carry on. It’s a miracle I don’t drink a lot.
